Working Mom Guilt

When the sky was dark enough, I put her asleep and whispered "sorry" to her ears. 

The "Sorry" that was erased by the sound of ambulance passing by on the road besides our house. The "sorry" that was perhaps heard only by God. 

That "sorry" that I whispered almost every single day from the guilt that I have been carrying inside, and perhaps will forever be carrying. 

Sorry...

For leaving you almost everyday.

For not being able to be beside you during the day.

For separating you with your most-favorite -person. 

The first person you called with a clear name, the first person you used to search for when not around, the first person you jumped to when coming home. 

Yes he was the person who first spoke to you with Azaan, change your diapers when mama was not able to move after delivery, the first person who put you asleep during nights. One of the first persons who love you before you were born.

 -Ayah-

I am and will forever be sorry for this.

That guilt gets even bigger when people question, "Where is her dad?" "Awh the father must be missing her." "Now maybe okay but you see first, you are still young you don't know what will happen."

-Another guilt and sorry- Because all are true statements. No words could against. So I would keep silent and reply with a short smile.

Choice I made. Not complaining to anyone. Some may say, then why don't I stay at home instead. Perhaps why don't I choose to stay with him. Or maybe why do I feel sorry if that is my choice? 

Yes. Choice I made. No regrets. But I believe in consequences for any choices that I will go with. For this choice, I will have to face with this guilt. Sounds contradicting maybe. Only Allah knows how complicated things are to be explained. It was not the choice that was decided in hours of times. Months and perhaps years were spent to reach to this decision.

Am I too selfish? Yea I am I know.

I maybe don't even have the right to feel guilty of the choice I choose to go. But can't help, mother of one. Sorry baby. Allow me to feel guilty. Hundred hugs and kisses after reaching home is just not enough to erase these guilts.

The least I could do was to ensure she is with people who I could put a trust on, and love her when I am away for work. 

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Promise. The love mama have for you & Ayah is just not enough to describe in words.

Mama's hope is that, when you grow bigger and reach to the age of being able to understand the challenge of life enough, I hope you know, I have tried. Despite all the tiring day, unfinished dishes, anxiety of fulfilling the trust at work, worries and stresses, I have tried to be good, for nobody else but you. And that, I am forever grateful, for you are every reasons things are looking perfect when nothing actually is. 

Mama is in believe that after few more years, things will be settled and be much better. Mama shall have more time with you at home. Ayah shall be able to hug you as much as mama does. O'Lord, allow us to be able to have those times in near future. Ameen.

Love both of you, to the moon and back and back. 

Alhamdulillah for the chances to be able to spend the whole day with her alone. Picture above is her looking at the train ticket -.-