Motherhood
Today, the teachers had a meeting on how to face students who have problem with controlling anger, tantrums and emotional instability.
Being in school, we can see the patterns of students who receive proper attention at home, whose parents are permissive, uninvolved, or perhaps too strict and lacking in attachment. It affects the students in such a way that the differences are easily distinguished.
That freaks me out sometimes to be a mom.
Well.. I am a mom already, there is no option to return back.
But being pregnant with the second baby, and having a 2 year old toddler who still want her mommy all the time. Even better, being in the stage of wanting to try or have everything in her way, It had made me realize that parenting is really throwing me a rather large patience test that I have sit for the rest of my life.
It was all fine. Of course, despite the happiness and joy, I had tiring days. Nevertheless, it was still manageable and relaxing to be honest.
Untill.. I truly feel that “Hormone imbalance” in the second pregnancy in which I did not feel during Amena’s times.
Not trying to put all the blames on pregnancy.. but really. I had count on how many times I dropped tears for such small things, when I think back, it was not really something to be so sensitive about. I would not have cried but due to the hormone imbalance.
People who know myself know that I am a difficult person to cry.. because it is just unexplainably hard.. (Hati keras sgt kot haha)
Reasons? Idk😂 It could be as simple as.. well.. not being able to get Milo for example? Lol just kidding. But the matter can be that small.
After returning to Japan from Malaysia, I had nobody to cry on. It was all about works, looking after Amena, and when things get tough, I just go to the bathroom and had myself release all those negative feelings, after then I felt so much better that nothing had happen.
Just one time.. It was a really hard day in work. I picked Amena from daycare, having my body pain here and there. All I needed was to go home quick and have my body rest. B.U.T. Motherhood, what do you expect, Amena refused to ride on stroller not even walking on her own. She continues to cry. Being 6 month pregnant, and having to carry 13kg toddler after a long day in work, while pushing the stroller and while trying to calm your crying baby with that limited physical energy.. It was...really not easy. But I still could hold myself..
Yes.. I could.. till.. half way we were, then I realized the house key was left behind.. *Slap face*
Knowing I had to return back the road with such situations.. and go walk again the same road with same situations.. had broken me down. With my tiny hope I carried within myself. for the last time I put amena on the ground for her to walk, hoping she would understand the situation I was in.
2years toddler being 2years.. she cried again.. I felt tears dropping from my face.. I want to cry also baby..
“Mama penat Amena. Mama tinggal kalau Amena tanak jalan.” With such a low voice.. it scared me a little.
Then I went oh gosh.. what did I just say.. Not from my heart. But such hurtful sentence can just come out from my mouth.. another guilt. Then I cried again.
We both cry together throughout the way back to my work. Myself silently and Amena with her big voice. Lol
After resting myself for awhile at the office, I felt so much better. So did Amena. She slept even. (Huhu)
Words can just comes out from one mouth that easy, but that guilt you had to carry in return, hardly goes away.
Parenting scares me sometimes. All those theories you hear and learn, sounded very easy until you had to actually try it practically. Theories are just theories. In the end of the day, parents also struggle to find the best solutions for each of their child. Method A on the child A does not necessarily suit to child B. Whats more, parent is parent, the same humans who have limit and mistakes, kinda a lot.
I hope to be stronger.
I hope to learn to be better.
In fact I have learnt so many from my daughter.
Continue to grow with me baby..
Love you Mena. I really do, so much.
Being in school, we can see the patterns of students who receive proper attention at home, whose parents are permissive, uninvolved, or perhaps too strict and lacking in attachment. It affects the students in such a way that the differences are easily distinguished.
That freaks me out sometimes to be a mom.
Well.. I am a mom already, there is no option to return back.
But being pregnant with the second baby, and having a 2 year old toddler who still want her mommy all the time. Even better, being in the stage of wanting to try or have everything in her way, It had made me realize that parenting is really throwing me a rather large patience test that I have sit for the rest of my life.
It was all fine. Of course, despite the happiness and joy, I had tiring days. Nevertheless, it was still manageable and relaxing to be honest.
Untill.. I truly feel that “Hormone imbalance” in the second pregnancy in which I did not feel during Amena’s times.
Not trying to put all the blames on pregnancy.. but really. I had count on how many times I dropped tears for such small things, when I think back, it was not really something to be so sensitive about. I would not have cried but due to the hormone imbalance.
People who know myself know that I am a difficult person to cry.. because it is just unexplainably hard.. (Hati keras sgt kot haha)
Reasons? Idk😂 It could be as simple as.. well.. not being able to get Milo for example? Lol just kidding. But the matter can be that small.
After returning to Japan from Malaysia, I had nobody to cry on. It was all about works, looking after Amena, and when things get tough, I just go to the bathroom and had myself release all those negative feelings, after then I felt so much better that nothing had happen.
Just one time.. It was a really hard day in work. I picked Amena from daycare, having my body pain here and there. All I needed was to go home quick and have my body rest. B.U.T. Motherhood, what do you expect, Amena refused to ride on stroller not even walking on her own. She continues to cry. Being 6 month pregnant, and having to carry 13kg toddler after a long day in work, while pushing the stroller and while trying to calm your crying baby with that limited physical energy.. It was...really not easy. But I still could hold myself..
Yes.. I could.. till.. half way we were, then I realized the house key was left behind.. *Slap face*
Knowing I had to return back the road with such situations.. and go walk again the same road with same situations.. had broken me down. With my tiny hope I carried within myself. for the last time I put amena on the ground for her to walk, hoping she would understand the situation I was in.
2years toddler being 2years.. she cried again.. I felt tears dropping from my face.. I want to cry also baby..
“Mama penat Amena. Mama tinggal kalau Amena tanak jalan.” With such a low voice.. it scared me a little.
Then I went oh gosh.. what did I just say.. Not from my heart. But such hurtful sentence can just come out from my mouth.. another guilt. Then I cried again.
We both cry together throughout the way back to my work. Myself silently and Amena with her big voice. Lol
After resting myself for awhile at the office, I felt so much better. So did Amena. She slept even. (Huhu)
Words can just comes out from one mouth that easy, but that guilt you had to carry in return, hardly goes away.
Parenting scares me sometimes. All those theories you hear and learn, sounded very easy until you had to actually try it practically. Theories are just theories. In the end of the day, parents also struggle to find the best solutions for each of their child. Method A on the child A does not necessarily suit to child B. Whats more, parent is parent, the same humans who have limit and mistakes, kinda a lot.
I hope to be stronger.
I hope to learn to be better.
In fact I have learnt so many from my daughter.
Continue to grow with me baby..
Love you Mena. I really do, so much.
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